You guys, for the longest time I was afraid to face my demons. I loved the idea of hiding them deep inside my closet and burying my thoughts in a beautiful bubble. I lied to myself, believing that everything was okay while basically I was living an ugly lie.
My mind started switching off. I was floating through the vast ocean of life, letting its currents carry me wherever they pleased. We all know that everything is created twice, first in the mind and then in reality. I started noticing the spells of indifference around me. My sheer lack of interest. I got defensive of my comfort zone, hubby had tirelessly tried to show me the truth, and I detested him for that. It would have been better if my life was at least ordinary but it wasn’t, mine was a sad routine of boring cycles that never seemed to come to an end. My smile was now a fake depiction of what was in my soul, I had led myself to a sad sad life.
I used endometriosis as the reason why I could not do the things that I saw other people do, it’s not like I want to be too hard on myself, because truth be told, endometriosis is a faceless pain that I cannot even begin to put into context… but I should also not use an illness as an excuse to why I cannot reach my full potential. I used my sickness as a reason to stay in my comfort zone, it was my sorry excuse for my lack of a will to live. I allowed myself to get lost in an existence that was sad, sorry and lacking.
I made my upbringing a reason not to do better. You see, I needed an excuse to keep holding me back. I was addicted to the pain. I started thriving in my own messes and worries and became a slave to sadness. However, it took my partner’s unwavering belief in me, family and friends who walked with me and a special book that had a story, similar to mine, to make me realize just how important it is to love myself, to grow my inner self, to seek enlightenment, to walk out of my comfort zone, to believe in myself despite it all and most importantly to forgive myself for those days when I felt I had let myself down.
Point to note, I have not figured everything out just yet, but what is important is the fact that I am trying… I wanted to write this so you too can try, try to do the things you love. Not to live cautiously. To let you know that you should not get stuck in a routine. Don’t just exist. This is the first step knowing thyself and the rest will follow. The purpose of life is the life of purpose, so go on and find your purpose, live a happy life. How do find your happiness you ask? Just find out what you truly love to do and then direct your energy towards doing it… that passion, it sets your soul on fire, you never tire, you never get bored… you LIVE.
As I figure myself out, to find that enlightenment from within, to answer questions such us who am I? What do I love? What do I live for? To love myself unconditionally and to live unapologetically, to never get comfortable. I realized that my success on the outside means nothing unless I also have success within, so that is why I am concentrating on my inside.
It doesn’t come easy though, I have tried many things towards my journey of self-discovery – if you have noticed – I’m now reading a lot, I now have an emcee vibe going on, I model for friends and work out a lot more. This does not mean I have figured it out, it, far from it. It just means that I am trying, slowly, with lots of effort. So you should not feel like a small step doesn’t matter, just do it! Live! Learn! Love! Fall! Rise! Crush! Hurt! Heal!
Keep smiling, Jess.
S/O to my boo thang #Labelle for hair and makeup and Baraka, the photographer extraordinaire for the amazing shots.