She’s Just a Girl
Yap, that’s true… well obviously, I am a girl, my biological formation comprises of a female anatomy. My name is Jess; I am 26 years old. As I write this, I would say that I feel lost, and for a long time I thought this was a bad thing, but not anymore. I came to realize that it is just a phase that will pass in due time, but trust me, it took some balls to accept that I don’t always have control over everything… that it is okay to be sad, to be emotional, to start over. I feel that time has moved so fast and it seems like I stopped somewhere and didn’t keep moving, maybe I should have sought counsel from Johnny Walker and kept walking. Get it? keep walking? Okay, you probably got it.
On a serious note, why do I say this? A monster called Endometriosis came and took a hold of my life some years back, and to be honest, what was left was a girl, trying to survive, did someone just ask what is Endometriosis? Let me put it in simple terms, it is a big ugly monster that comes when a lady starts her periods and kills her slowly everyday, that’s the easiest way I am able to explain this, I will get into details some other time, for now, consider it an ugly monster with red horns , drooling yellow mucus… too much? okay I’ll stop.
This has not always been the case. I grew up in Mombasa, in a beautiful compound with those big mango trees and beautiful red coastal flowers. I still remember the stories I was told about these trees apparently Jinis lived among the branches! Do you know how hard it was for me to sleep at night?
It was only dad, mum and myself. Yap, I am an only child. Life at home was very normal, dad taught me karate, mum made sure my homework was done, and the Minders ran around to make sure I ate. I was a really slim tall girl, not that I have changed much, however I am now what many may call ‘Kula Kula’, because I can eat food for 10, mmh, let us leave this at that… can you imagine when I was 7 years old, I had a habit of throwing sausages in the kitchen store, well this is because I was vegan!! Lies! A 7-year-old vegan? How? I just hated food and when my mum wanted to clean the store on weekends, she’d find a foul smell comprising of eggs, sausages and bread.
What was wrong with me though? I remember this one time when my mum locked me in the store as a punishment to contemplate about the rest of the kids in the world dying of hunger. I cried for hours but I don’t think I understood the lesson, I just took it as torture.
I grew up from hating sausages, to overeating sausages, to diets that cannot withstand sausages. We say being a woman is hard, well try be a woman on a strict diet in a world full of genetically modified food… guess what happens? Can you guess?
Well, you end up becoming a farmer, I am very serious! I plant my own veggies (not entirely, I am helped) Just so that I can take better care of myself. Not that I hate it, but waking up every morning to water my own spinach is something I am not enthusiastic about all the time especially with chronic fatigue.
Food is only a portion of the story, Endometriosis has changed my life, my world. From a girl who aspired to become a top model, or maybe a news anchor, to a girl who NOW only aspires to wake up the next day without pain or maybe just a mild one that won’t drain me, priorities changed. And for a while, I hated myself, got depressed, blamed God, cried myself to sleep and pushed everyone away, they say that nothing happens by chance, that everything has a purpose, so I am discovering mine. Slowly.
I can’t sit here and lie to myself about how easy it will be or worth it, but see, when you are going through excruciating pain, your entire body goes on lock down and you can end up depressed, sad, withdrawn and frustrated. What keeps me going is the thought that I can’t give up, that there is more to life than pain. What will a frown help me with? so I decided to cry when I feel like crying and smile despite whatever. I go with my moods now, Jess can be sad, emotional, happy, hungry, angry, stressed (I try avoid stress but oh well) it is a work in progress.
You see, growing up, I did not imagine that anything wrong could happen to me (let alone to anyone I love), I guess when we are young we have this bubbles that we create to protect our innocent minds… but look at me now, I am in a place called limbo and all I want to do is scream, but because I won’t be loud enough, I prefer to put my sentiments in writing, to try get a point across and resonate to a girl like me trying to survive just as I am.
Today, as much as everything seems hard to fathom and unaware of what is to come, I am hopeful about tomorrow. I know all this, despite having no meaning is preparing us for the afterlife, so in this life I have lost love, found love, fell in love, lost a loved one, but most importantly, I am discovering self-love.
Care to join a girl with Endo figuring out this thing called life? Grab some popcorn and hold my hand.
No seriously, pick a big bowl. 🙂